Point of no return

I søndags besluttede jeg mig for, at det bedste jeg kunne gøre for mig selv, var at holde en pause fra Instagram (Og Facebook, men det kunne jeg ikke, fordi min telefon døde). Så nu hvor jeg ikke kan snakke løs på InstaStory, så må jeg tage mig tid til at skrive lidt på bloggen. For jeg har brug for at fortælle noget.

Vi kører nu på 6. uge med “projekt børnehaveindkøring”, og det går mildest talt ikke godt. Valde er glad i løbet af dagen derhenne, men afleveringerne er et helvede. Han har grædt hver gang, på nær 2-3 gange. Værst er det for mig. Jeg har det dårligt når jeg går derfra. Og når jeg går derhen og når jeg henter ham igen. Nok var jeg vant til at aflevere mit barn til andre, men der er virkelig en verden til forskel på en dagpleje og en børnehave. Det vidste jeg godt at der ville være, men alligevel kom det bag på mig, hvor utryg jeg føler mig ved at aflevere ham i børnehaven. Det har ikke som sådan noget med den specifikke børnehave at gøre, jeg har bare altid fået myrekryb af institutioner, ligesom jeg også får det af hospitaler.

Det handler ikke om at jeg ikke vil sende mit barn i pasning, for dagplejen kunne jeg stå 100% inde for. Selvom jeg godt nok savnede Valde ekstremt meget indtil han var to år. Jeg har været tæt på at melde ham ud. Har “booket” en samtale med pædagogen, hvor jeg ville have sagt det, men missede det. Jeg har ringet derned og tænkt “nu siger jeg det”, men kunne ikke få fat i den rigtige, og da de ringede tilbage, tog jeg den ikke, fordi jeg vidste at jeg ikke kunne tale om det uden at indvie dem i mit følelsesliv (jeg kan bare ikke skjule noget – det skal man vist kunne som rigtig voksen). Efter mange dages frustrationer, hvor jeg til sidst var på vanviddets rand, aftalte jeg med Lassefar at vi ville give det en chance indtil efterårsferien, som starter i morgen. For man skal jo lige give det en chance, alle børn er jo kede af det i starten, ikke?

Jeg kan ikke mere.

Jeg har virkelig givet det en chance. Holdt så få fridage som muligt, sendt ham afsted på dage, hvor jeg hellere ville have ham hjemme, gået fra et grædende barn, har prøvet både hurtige og langsomme afskedsseancer. Jeg har virkelig forsøgt at leve “et rigtigt barselsliv”: gået lange ture med barnevognen, været på café med en veninde, gået i mødregruppe(r), legestue, til babysalmesang, shoppet, set serier – men alt føles bare tomt uden ham. Det er så underligt at gå hjemme med kun det ene af sine børn. For mig er det bare dybt naturstridigt.

Jeg kan ikke mere.

En ny følelse er blevet vakt i mig – eller skulle man hellere sige, at følelsen er blevet vakt på ny? Den følelse vil jeg kalde “mit moderinstinkt”. Det er en intuition, men stærkere end det, en mavefornemmelse så dyb, at den overtager hele min krop. Den råber mig i hovedet, selvom jeg forsøger at overhøre den. Vi har den allesammen, tror jeg. Men vi er opdraget til at fortrænge den, for vi skal jo “videre med vores liv”. Det skal jeg også. Jeg har et studie der venter. Det skal jeg skynde mig at afslutte, så jeg kan komme ud at rejse, så jeg kan flytte til Jylland før Valde skal starte i skole. 2020-planen, du ved.

Hver dag forsøger jeg at fortrænge den følelse, fordi den er upraktisk, men det kan jeg ikke. Jeg har forsøgt at lytte til fornuftens stemme, men den er for svag. Den stemme tilhører mit tidligere jeg. Jeg har fortalt mig selv, at det er synd at hive ham væk fra hans venner. At jeg har brug for alenetid. At jeg ikke kan stole på mig selv. Når følelsen kommer op i mig, fortæller jeg mig selv: “Jaja, den er reel nok, men vent lige lidt, om 1 år og 9 måneder kan du følge din mavefornemmelse”.

Hvor absurd er det lige?! Til den tid er børnene jo kæmpestore. Det er nu de har brug for mig.

Forleden dag så jeg programmet “Bertelsen på Shikoku 88”, hvor man følger Mikael Bertelsen på en pilgrimsvandring i Japan. Her møder han en dansk pilgrim, som han snakker med. Bertelsen fortælle, at han gerne ville finde mere tid til stilhed og at gå ture i hverdagen, for han synes det er godt, men at han ikke kan finde tid til det. Som han siger: “Jeg siger altid til mig selv, at det der er der bare ikke tid til”: Bertelsen kommer direkte fra civilisationens travle liv, mens den anden mand netop har gået på ruten i 7 uger, og derfor ser det hele fra en anden vinkel. Bertelsen siger, at det gør ham til en bedre version af sig selv, når han får gået, og manden siger: “Du har simpelthen ikke tid til at blive en bedre version af dig selv?” – fra det sted, hvor manden er, lyder det jo helt absurd. Og det gør det også i mine ører.

Om man skal blive en bedre version af sig selv eller ej, ved jeg ikke. Det er måske ikke de rette ord at bruge om den oplevelse, man kan få, når man tager sig tid til stilhed og til at være i naturen, eller hvad end det nu er, der gør en glad og giver ro. Det der giver mig ro indeni lige nu, er at være sammen med mine børn. Men spørgsmålet er:

Har jeg tid til at være sammen med mine børn?

Svaret er, at jeg fortæller mig selv, at jeg ikke har tid til det. Fordi jeg er et produkt af et samfund, hvor man ikke tager sig tid til det, og det skal jeg ikke skamme mig over. Men når man først har set det absurde i, at vi ikke har tid til vores børn, så er det svært at gå tilbage.

Kan jeg vælge at tage mig tid til det?

Kan jeg lade være?

380 thoughts on “Point of no return”

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