#4 + 5 Julekalender: Nyt liv

Gud har givet mig nyt liv, halleluja!

Og så behøver jeg egentligt ikke skrive mere.. eller hvad? Hvor mange ikke-troende ville forstå, hvad jeg mente?

Mig på toppen af Galdhøpiggen i Norge

Hvad vil det sige at blive genfødt – i dette liv?

Mange af mine ikke-kristne bekendtskaber har en du-har-kun-ét-liv-så-du-skal-leve-det-fuldt-ud-for-når-du-er-død-er-det-slut-holdning til hele spørgsmålet om liv og død. Ja, undskyld, det er ikke for at forsimple det. Min far er et godt eksempel på hele den der hedonistiske lev-mens-du-gør-det-bølge. Fred være med det, men det er bare så langt fra min opfattelse af liv og død, som noget kunne være. Er min holdning ikke bare den samme som alle andre kristnes? Joooo, men med et østligt islæt. Før jeg kom til tro var jeg meget inspireret af hinduisme og buddhisme. Jeg er nok på mange punkter, hvad jeg selv vil kalde en “uortodoks kristen”. Og hvorfor er jeg det? Fordi mit møde med Jesus var meget personligt og meget praktisk – virkeligt. Jeg oplevede det virkelig som en fysisk erfaring, jeg døde og blev genfødt. Min krop døde selvfølgelig ikke, en mit væsen gjorde. Al livskraft havde forladt mig. Men det er fortid nu, så jeg har ikke lyst til at dvæle ved det, og det er netop det, dagens dagbogsuddrag handler om. Jeg nåede desværre ikke at blogge igår, så idag får I bare et uddrag af min dagbog fra Taizé som den fjerde låge i julekalenderen. Jeg kan mærke, at det her projekt med at tænke over hvad Gud har gjort for mig, har rodet op nogle gamle ting inden i mig. Følelser fra fortiden. Det har mindet mig om, hvordan mit liv var engang. På grund af det, står det kun stærkere for mig, hvor meget Gud har gjort for mig. Men det er også lidt hårdt, og jeg skal helst ikke tænke for meget over det. Det er nok en af grundene til, at jeg har holdt en lang pause med at skrive. Og at jeg efterhånden har fået rigtigt svært ved at fortælle om, hvordan Jesus har forvandlet mit liv. For det kræver at jeg fortæller om alt det, der lå forud for min “frelse”, og det orker jeg ofte ikke at beskæftige mig mere med. Så nu siger jeg det en gang for alle: før jeg mødte Jesus var jeg død indeni. Jeg har brugt godt 8 af mine teenageår på ikke at leve. Det havde intet med de ydre omstændigheder at gøre (bortset fra at mine forældre blev skilt). Mit liv var normalt, jeg gjorde normale ting, spillede musik, havde venner, blev student og gik på uni. Men indeni var der konstant kaos og der foregik bare så meget. Det lyder helt sindssygt, men det er egentligt ret normalt for en teenager, tror jeg. Selvom det i mit tilfælde nok var lige til den gode side. Det kan være ret stressende at være i, og en dag fik jeg bare nok og besluttede mig for at begynde mit liv helt forfra. Det kan man selvfølgelig ikke, man vil altid have sin bagage med sig, men lad mig nu bare blive i illusionen. Ud med alt det velkendte og ind med klosterlivet. Her begyndte min rejse…

Måske har jeg en tendens til gerne at ville lade fortiden ligge. Jeg tror det er fordi, jeg i mange år havde svært ved at give slip på den – alt det jeg ikke havde nået, alt det jeg ikke lykkedes med, fortrydelse og bitterhed. Men da jeg endelig gav slip på det hele (med hjælp ovenfra, selvfølgelig), ville jeg helst undgå nogensinde at skulle tænke tilbage på det. Dog er verden sjældent så sort-hvid. Jeg har erkendt, at hver gang jeg deler historien om min genfødsel, er døden og smerten altid med, for det var jo den der var hele forudsætningen for overhovedet at kunne blive genfødt. For at leve, må man først dø. Det fortæller bibelen også. Mit perspektiv på liv og død er, at vi dør lidt og bliver genfødt mange gange i løbet af et liv – ja, endda mange gange i løbet af en dag. I overført betydning – men alligevel meget virkeligt.

Dagbog fra Taizé 30.11.12 – “Begravelsen”

Paulus skriver:
Rom 6, 3-11

Eller ved I ikke, at alle vi, som er blevet døbt til Kristus Jesus, er døbt til hans død? Vi blev altså begravet sammen med ham ved dåben til døden, for at også vi, sådan som Kristus blev oprejst fra de døde ved Faderens herlighed, skal leve et nyt liv. For er vi vokset sammen med ham ved en død, der ligner hans, skal vi også være det ved en opstandelse, der ligner hans. Vi ved, at vort gamle menneske er blevet korsfæstet sammen med ham, for at det legeme, som ligger under for synden, skulle tilintetgøres, så vi ikke mere er trælle for synden; den, der er død, er jo frigjort fra synden. Men er vi døde med Kristus, tror vi, at vi også skal leve med ham. Og vi ved, at Kristus er opstået fra de døde og ikke mere dør; døden er ikke herre over ham mere. For den død, han døde, døde han fra synden én gang for alle. Det liv, han lever, lever han for Gud. Sådan skal også I se på jer selv: I er døde for synden, men levende for Gud i Kristus Jesus.

Jeg vil begrave emo. Mit gamle liv er allerede dødt i kraft af det nye liv, jeg er blevet givet. Ikke gennem dåben, men ved at finde tilbage til min dåb, til Jesus, gennem Taizé. Jeg er denne gang hverken blevet døbt, tatoveret eller medlem af en kirke, men det er ikke vigtigt. Min tro er skrevet på mit hjerte.

Min gamle identitet, sindstilstand, tankemønstre, lidelse, fortiden er død. I kraft af nuets kraft, der er kun nu. Men der er stadig en historie at fortælle. En historie om en emo, mig, den lidende, den fortabte. En klagesang af dimensioner. Og den historie må begraves sammen med emo, en gang for alle. Ikke som i fornægtelse og fortrængning, men som i ganske enkelt ikke at give den mere opmærksomhed. Der er ingen grund til at jamre mere over min fortid. Det får min nutid til at stå i et bedre lys, ja, men det skal ikke være det der gør det.

En død og en fødsel.

Man kan kun se fremad. Derfor vil jeg begrave emo før jeg rejser herfra, ved at fortælle dens historie en sidste gang.
Dette er ikke enden, dette er begyndelsen.

 

 

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