Julekalender: Stilhed

Min julekalender gik næsten i vasken, men jeg giver ikke op!

Selvfølgelig kan jeg komme på 24 ting, Gud har gjort for mig. Jeg har bare ikke fundet tiden til at skrive dem med.

Vi har holdt juleferie siden i torsdags, og har næsten allerede været Danmark rundt. Først et lille visit i Esbjerg hos min mor og hendes mand, julefrokost hos min onkel, og cafètur med min far, hvor Lasse fik verdens stærkeste gløgg. Seriøst, han blev fuld af et glas!

Søndag nåede vi ikke i kirke. I stedet gik turen til Sydfyn, hvor vi besøgte vores gamle hønisse, Anitha (Ja, hun boede altså på høloftet i kolle), og hendes søde kæreste. Og hendes kæmpe mave, indeholdende baby-Birkeline, ej at forglemme! Vi hyggede på med at tegne og spise god mad. Og Valde sov igennem om natten! (Fra 22-05)

Nu er vi på Fur hos bonusfamilien, og julefreden har næsten sænket sig. Det er en dejlig ø med historisk natur og mange kreative sjæle. Langs vejene står der store, flade engle, som er kreeret af forskellige af øens beboere. Om sommeren er det fisk, der pryder vejkanten. På øen er der også et par gallerier og nogle butikker med kunsthåndværk.

Engel kreeret af min bonusbedste
Engel kreeret af min bonusbedste

I går gik jeg tur med en meget træt Valde efter den lange togtur. Turen gik til Brugsen efter Familien Skovs overlevelsespakke: en plade chokolade, to poser chips, en Hancock juleøl, en babysmoothie, en pose frossen øko-broccoli og engangsvaskeklude. Så kan man klare sig et par dage!

Undervejs kom jeg til at tænke på, hvad stilhed betyder for mig. Der er jo ofte ret stille på sådan en ø, og det er fantastisk! At lære at elske stilhed, er en af de vigtige ting, Gud har gjort for mig. Ok, elske og elske, jeg kan stadig have det svært med stilhed (for så er der kun mig og mine tanker – og Gud, heldigvis).

Alter i Taizé-kirken
Alter i Taizé-kirken

I Taizé blev jeg introduceret til stilhed under mit første besøg der i januar 2012. Ikke bare stilhed, men stilhed i en kontekst, en særlig type stilhed. Broderfællesskabet har deres egen rytme dagen, ugen og året igennem. Tre gange om dagen mødes de og alle de besøgende til tidebøn i det store kirkerum. Bønnerne, som egentligt er andagter, har en anden form end de gudstjenester, vi kender fra folkekirken her i Danmark. Man starter med at sidde i stilhed indtil klokkerne er færdige med at ringe. Så synger vi den første sang, en broder synger for, og vi andre stemmer i. Akkompagneret af en sælsom guitarlyd fra et lille keyboard. I kirken er der dæmpet lys, og den eneste udsmykning er nogle karakteristiske orange lysestager, samt nogle ikoner, som stammer fra den ortodokse tradition, og afspejler Taizè-kirkens økumeni. Mellem sangene læses små bibelvers eller bønner højt på forskellige sprog. En gang om dagen læses der op af evangeliet. Men teksten udlægges ikke i en prædiken, som vi er vant til.

Hver morgen er der nadver. Tre forskellige slags: protestantisk, katolsk og velsignet brød. Den protestantiske er indstiftet, som vi plejer at gøre det. Den katolske er forvandlet ved en messe tidligt om morgenen, det velsignede brød er til dem, som ikke vil modtage nogle af de to andre. Normalt er det kun katolikker, som må modtage den katolske nadver. Men i Taizé er alle velkomne til at være med efter pavens tilladelse.

Men nu til det vigtigste! Omkring midtvejs i bønnen har vi stilheden. Stilhed i en kontekst. Stilhed med forudgående bøn og lovsang, og det samme efterfølgende. Jeg havde faktisk tidligere oplevet noget lignende i min tid som kirkesanger i Esbjerg. En af præsterne sagde altid i forlængelse af kirkebønnen: “lad os bede stille et øjeblik”. Jeg husker det som meget specielt og dejligt. Men det var virkelig også kun et øjeblik. I Taizé er stilheden ca. 7 minutter. Det lyder måske ikke af meget, men det føles altså som lang tid, når man bare sidder helt stille på gulvet sammen med en masse andre mennesker i et rum. Man kan jo ikke bare gå eller begynde at lave noget andet. Stilheden bliver dog lidt nemmere at “udholde” med tiden.

Taizé tilbyder også stilleretræte i form af en uge eller en weekend i stilhed. Man bor i et hus sammen med en gruppe andre af samme køn, lever og spiser sammen i stilhed. Tre gange om dagen deltager man i fællesbønnerne (man må gerne synge), og to gange om dagen skal man selv trække sig tilbage for at bede eller være i stilhed. Mere om det end anden gang..

Da jeg var i stilhed første gang
Da jeg var i stilhed første gang

Stilhed – skulle det nu være noget nyt?

Selvfølgelig havde jeg oplevet stilhed før jeg kom til Taizé. Stilhed findes jo alle steder, og alligevel meget få steder. Jeg havde bare ikke oplevet stilhed på den måde før. Hvis jeg bare satte mig ned alene og forsøgte at være stille, ville mine tanker gå helt i selvsving. Faktisk var det ikke muligt at “tænke klart”, altså styre tankerne i en retning, der ville være bare lidt gavnlig.
Da jeg så kom til Taizé og oplevede stilhed efter at have brugt noget tid på at “tune” mig ind på Guds frekvens med sange, var det en helt ny oplevelse. For første gang i mange år var der stille i mit sind. Stille som i fred og ro. Det måtte enten være løgn eller ren magi! Gud viste mig noget, jeg ikke havde set før. Måske havde jeg set det før, som barn, dengang jeg stadig troede verden var god, og havde en nogenlunde mental sundhed.

Wauw! Jeg var forundret og glad. Her fik jeg virkelig smag på at finde ud af mere om Gud og den der berømte fred.

I dag, tre år efter, hersker der ikke altid fred i mit sind. Det er klart, jeg er kun et menneske. Kaos, angst og forvildede tanker er livsvilkår. Og med alle vores gadgets og konstante informationsstrømme, kan stilhed være en mangelvare. Men jeg ved, den er der et sted.

Jeg har fået lov at smage en flig af himlen – Guds fred. Det er noget af det bedste i hele verden. Jeg ved jeg kan få den, hvis bare jeg beder om det. Det er ikke altid min første tanke – ofte søger jeg lindring ad alle mulige andre veje først – men søg, så skal du finde. Gud vil altid give dig fred. Jeg bruger heller ikke ligeså meget tid på kontemplation, som i klosterlivet, men bare det at jeg kender stilhedens kraft og ved at fred er mulig – det giver mig håb.

Jeg troede alt var rent kaos og mørke i al evighed, men jeg blev overrasket – jeg så lyset, mærkede roen. Måske kun for en kort stund – jeg vender indimellem tilbage til mit sinds mørke – men freden, lyset, kærligheden, Jesus, nåden er der altid!

Gud har aldrig forladt os, det er os der forlader ham. Heldigvis er det aldrig for sent at vende om.

Julefreden findes – vi skal bare “tune” os ind på den. Må du få lov at mærke ægte fred og ro i dit hjerte i aften og de næste par dage.

Glædelig jul

 

22 thoughts on “Julekalender: Stilhed”

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