Om frihed

Den Store Befrielse
Jeg har længe villet skrive noget om det, jeg kalder “den store befrielse”. Det er dog ikke så ligetil, specielt ikke når jeg har haft svært ved at skrive og holde fast i en tanke længere tid ad gangen. Det er dog ikke noget jeg begræder. Tværtimod har jeg været glad for at jeg har lært at lade tanker passere, og stoppe en tankestrøm, i stedet for at filosofere videre og komme alt for langt ud i meningsløshed og uendelig regres og til sidst give op, fordi der ikke findes svar nok. Jeg er blevet meget bedre til at acceptere tingenes tilstand. Bedre til at observere mit sind i stedet for at identificere mig med det. Det har gjort mit liv bedre. Jeg har også lært at man ikke skal se sig tilbage. Undtagen når man får brug for at blive mindet om hvad Gud har gjort for en. Det er det eneste jeg ser tilbage på, og kun fordi det kan få mig fremad, eller i hvert fald give mig styrke til at komme det.
Jeg har indset at jeg har et “safe place” indeni, i mit hjerte eller i mine minder, et sted. Det er noget jeg opbyggede eller måske fandt, da jeg var i Taizé. Et sted jeg ikke vidste fandtes. Et sted med fred. Fred i et fuldstændigt kaotisk sind. Kærlighed midt i al mit had og min afsky for verden, livet og menneskeheden. Et pust af liv til min degenererende tankevirksomhed. En forsmag på et formål og en identitet, som var mit, tilhørte mig, en plan som var beredt for mig. Alle de ting tilskriver jeg Kristus, for det var gennem bøn, jeg fik dem i gave. Det reddede ikke bare mit liv, men gav mig styrke, en styrke jeg stadig kan finde frem den dag idag, tre år efter. Jeg er evigt taknemmelig. Og den taknemmelighed har jeg brug for at finde tilbage til når frygt og bitterhed banker på, og mit sind krøller sig sammen i flugt.
Med gaven, som var alt dette og troen, fulgte en befrielse. En befrielse, som er svær at sætte ord på. Jeg har forsøgt at forklare det for mange såkaldte fritænkere, men de siger allesammen, at jeg ikke er fri, men derimod fanget og begrænset.

Jeg har altid søgt frihed. Ønsker vi ikke alle frihed? Første skridt i den søgen er at finde ud af hvad frihed er. Det er ikke nemt at svare på. Og da jeg endelig oplevede frihed, var den slet ikke som jeg havde forventet. Den frihed Gud giver, kan de færreste tænke sig til.
Fortsættes…

130 thoughts on “Om frihed”

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