Spelt-overskuds-forvirret-intuitiv-laissez-faire-mor

Her på det sidste har jeg tænkt lidt over, hvilken type mor jeg er (inspireret af Sydhavnsmor og Mette Marie m.fl.)

Jeg er nok ret ifavnsk, lidt for laissez-faire og slet ikke så spelt, som jeg selv troede, jeg ville blive. Jeg er nok ret afslappet og ubekymret, men også alt for forvirret og uorganiseret. Hjemmebagte økospeltboller er der nok af, men jeg har også en stor kærlighed til chips og rødvin. Titlen som langtidsammer har altid været mit mål, og der samsoves af ren bekvemmelighed.

Som alle andre (mommy)bloggere har jeg gerne ville skrive et indlæg om identitet og ambitioner i forhold til det at blive mor. Men det er bare så svært at formulere, og jeg aner ikke hvor jeg skal begynde. For det første havde jeg ikke en specielt klart defineret identitet før jeg fik barn (ud over min identitet som kristen, som selvfølgelig er en vigtig del af mig). Problemet er at jeg altid er lidt af det hele. Jeg har ufatteligt svært ved at danne et fast billede af mig selv, også selvom det samtidigt er noget, jeg længes efter.

Mange siger at de første par uger som nybagte forældre var de hårdeste. Det synes jeg ikke. Tværtimod synes jeg det var de nemmeste. De første to nætter af Valdes liv, græd han, og havde svært ved at finde ro. Jeg var i vildrede, og anede virkelig ikke hvad jeg skulle gøre. Jeg kunne simpelthen ikke aflæse hans signaler. Var han sulten, havde han ondt, havde han det for varmt? Jeg kendte ikke hans tegn på sult, vidste ikke hvor meget eller lidt tøj han skulle have på osv. Jeg var ikke super glad – faktisk nærmere skuffet over, at min drøm endelig var gået i opfyldelse, og så var det bare det?

Heldigvis vendte det hele da vi kom hjem fra hospitalet. Hans tredje nat, den første hjemme, forløb stille og roligt. Jeg vågnede ved det mindste knirk, og gav ham en tår mælk, hvorefter han faldt i søvn igen. Og lige siden den dag og et halvt år frem levede vi i total symbiose. Jeg kunne tolke hans signaler lynhurtigt, så han behøvede slet ikke græde, hvilket han nærmest heller ikke gjorde. Han var et meget roligt og harmonisk barn.

Det gav mig en følelse af, at jeg gjorde det godt. Det var fantastisk. Jeg hvilede i mig selv for første gang i meget lang tid. Vi havde haft en nem start. Jeg var meget positivt overrasket over forældreskabet. Jeg havde forventet det værste (som altid). Man havde jo hørt så mange skrækhistorier. Om strækmærker, ikke-eksisterende sexliv, grædende børn og ikke mindst flere år uden søvn.

Alt det slap jeg for. Jeg havde overskud, optimisme og en nogenlunde flot mave. Godt nok sov jeg sjældent mere end 2-3 timer i træk, men det vænner kroppen sig jo hurtigt til. Min gjorde. Det hele var næsten for godt til at være sandt?! Jeg følte jeg havde superkræfter.

Men efter et halvt år tænkte jeg: ja ja, ungen er glad og alt er godt, men jeg er jo ikke blevet zen endnu?! Måske havde jeg slet ikke været nærværende nok. Sidder for meget med min telefon. Været et dårligt forbillede. Måske var jeg slet ikke i stand til at leve i nuet – og kunne jeg overhovedet tage imod kærlighed?

Og så kørte møllen med selvdestruktive tanker ellers derudaf, og det gør den egentligt stadig..

Hvorfor?

Fordi jeg ikke mente, jeg fortjente at være lykkelig. Så simpelt er det.

Livet har budt mig nogle store udfordringer indtil videre. Og når det så endeligt går smooth, kan jeg ikke engang nyde det?

Det er simpelthen for meget, mand..

Nå, tilbage til historien.

Jeg vil helst ikke omtale det at få et barn som hårdt, for det syntes jeg ikke det var. Nok fordi det faldt mig så dybt naturligt. Jep, jeg er en af dem, som føler jeg er skabt til at lave børn, og i øjeblikke føles det nærmest som om det er mit “higher purpose of life”.

Det er samfundet bare desværre ikke enig med mig i. Men mere om det en anden gang..

Det har ikke været hårdt, men udfordrende. Og udfordringen ligger i, at lære at være den, der har ansvaret og tager beslutningerne. Det har jeg haft svært ved.

I forvejen var jeg dårlig til at træffe beslutninger. Jeg er typen der skifter mening hundredevis af gange, og en gang imellem handler lidt for impulsivt og uoverlagt (fx da jeg valgte at lave en baby).

Samtidigt lader jeg mig påvirke rigtigt meget af, hvad andre mener og føler. Kombineret med at jeg er god til at se en situation fra mange synsvinkler, bliver resultatet, at jeg kan plapre løs om en beslutning der skal tages i lang tid, uden nogensinde at komme frem til noget. Til stor frustration for min mand (en titel han fik efter mange lange diskussioner frem og tilbage om ægteskab eller ej).

Så man kan nok tænke sig til, at det første halve års barsel var ren lykke for mig – men da der skulle tages beslutninger om institutionsplads osv – brød “helvede” løs.

Skulle jeg blive hjemmegående mor? Ville det være det bedste for barnet? Eller har folk ret i, at han har godt af at komme lidt ud? Ville jeg dø af kedsomhed? Bør man ikke passe sine egne børn?
Burde man overhovedet få børn, hvis man alligevel ikke passer dem selv? Hvis nogle skulle vurdere hvem der burde få børn, så burde jeg nok ikke, Pis?! Skulle jeg blive hjemmegående mor i protest mod samfundets alt for høje forventninger til kvinders karriere? Eller burde man ikke nyde at være en del af arbejdsmarkedet efter alle de kampe, de gamle feminister har kæmpet på mine vegne? Og jeg er vel stadig feminist, eller hvad?!

Gennem hele beslutningsprocessen omkring pasning eller ej, stod jeg og ventede på, at en anden kom og tog over. Det skete bare ikke. Det er mig der er den voksne nu.

Det hele endte med, at Valde kom i en to-børns-dagpleje 3-4 dage om ugen, mens jeg genoptog mit studie, hvilket viste sig at være en god beslutning, eftersom jeg var kørt træt i barsels-blues.

Nu er det tre måneder siden han startede i dagpleje, og jeg kan stadig engang imellem overveje, om jeg skulle blive hjemmegående mor.

Ligesom jeg tænker meget over hvad formålet med mit liv er, og hvor mange ambitioner jeg kan/vil have. Det er jeg ikke afklaret med endnu.

Hvis mit formål med livet var at lave et barn, hvilket jeg har gjort, hvad så nu?

Nu er det mest nærliggende mål at give ham en god barndom.

Men hvordan pokker gør man lige det?

Og er der overhovedet muligt at give sit barn en god barndom, selvom man ikke bor på landet og er hjemmegående mor (som er evigt nærværende og aldrig kigger på sin iPhone)?

JA!

Ja, ja, ja! Inden jeg går i selvsving over i hvor høj grad jeg sikkert ikke formår at give ham en god barndom (ifølge mine tanker) – så lad os lige stoppe på et øjeblik.

Lad os kigge på vores børn. Hvordan har de det? Trives de? Er de glade? Har de mulighed for at lege og udvikle sig?

Og hvad kan vi “voksne” egentligt lære af dem?

Jeg mener jeg kan lære meget at Valdemar, selvom han kun er 14 måneder gammel. For eksempel kan jeg lære at se på det, der er, i stedet for hele tiden at stræbe efter det næste.

Lige nu behøver jeg ikke stresse over om han får en god barndom. Han har en god barndom. Lige nu. Det tror jeg, han selv synes. Han er omgivet af kærlige mennesker og varme hænder, og han virker for det meste meget glad.

Lille Valdemar har ingen bekymringer for fremtiden. Endnu. Og han synes vi gør det godt.

Det kunne vi lære noget af.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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