Let it be

Nogle gange går jeg simpelthen bare i panik. Faktisk har jeg altid tænkt, at det var det, der var “galt” med mig: at jeg meget nemt går i panik over meget små ting (eller ingenting).

Med panik mener jeg: følelsesmæssigt kaos, manglende overblik, desperation, afmagt. En trang til krig. Krig mod alt og alle. Mod verden, mig selv, min krop. En trang til flugt, et urinstinkt.

I sådan en situation er jeg nødt til at gøre noget. Bare noget. Jeg ved ikke hvad der ville ske, hvis jeg ikke handlede på det, for det kan jeg slet ikke forestille mig. Det kan være en meget ubehagelig følelse, den der impuls man ikke kan modstå, når man på en måde gerne vil (eller fornuften vil).

Mine handlinger tjener et formål: flugt fra virkeligheden. Enten skal det få mig til at føle mig mere i live i modsætning til den tomhed, der får mig til at føle mig død. Eller også skal det have en bedøvende effekt for at få mig væk fra en tilstand der gør, at jeg ikke kan holde ud at være i min egen krop.

Nu er jeg blevet klogere på hvad det er der sker, og hvad jeg kan gøre (eller ikke gøre) ved det. Men i mange år har min eneste strategi været flugt, og hvor har jeg gjort mange mere eller mindre vilde ting i et forsøg på at genoprette den indre balance (som om), eller bare komme væk.

Jeg har drukket mig fuld (selvfølgelig! og helst alene), trøstespist, overspist, shoppet, skåret i mig selv, taget til fest, kysset med en masse random mennesker, haft sex med fremmede, meldt mig ud af uni, taget en spontan tur til Frankrig, råbt ude i skoven, løbet nøgen rundt i haven i regnvejr, været ond ved en jeg elsker. Foruden de dagligdags-eskapistiske vaner så som sociale medier, travlhed, være i andres behov osv.

En sjælden gang imellem har jeg bedt til Gud. Både om at hjælpe mig og om at lade mig dø.

Kort sagt har jeg prøvet næsten alt, undtagen det mest oplagte – at opsøge et andet menneske. En man kan snakke med, det hjælper som regel. Eller en man kan søge forståelse og trøst hos.

11842-Let-It-Be

Hvorfor gjorde jeg ikke bare det så?

Fordi jeg ikke ønskede trøst eller lindring. For jeg have brug for smerten, ensomheden, vreden, desperationen. Det fik mig til at føle mig i live. Måske var det mit værn mod verden. En syg form for beskyttelse. Måske endda en overlevelsesmekanisme.

Når panikken sætter ind, ved jeg hvad der vil ske. Det er en form for tryghed. Jeg har altid forsøgt at bilde mig selv ind at jeg er modig, men i virkeligheden er jeg nok ret meget tryghedsnarkoman. Ellers ville jeg vel ikke gøre det samme igen og igen.

I dag er sådan en dag. Med panik.

Jeg har en trang til at gøre noget. En følelse af at jeg skal have et fix af en art. Rusmidler, sex, en oplevelse, adspredelse, anything.

Men tiden er en anden nu (THANK GOD!)

I mange år var paniktilstanden min hverdag. Nu sker det ikke nær så ofte.

Følelsen er den samme, men jeg er ikke den samme som dengang. Nu ved jeg, at intet af det vil hjælpe. At det bare er vage flugtforsøg, hedonistiske eskapader, som end ikke mindsker tomheden med en my.

Jeg ved det, og du ved det, hvis du virkelig tænker dig om. Og Paul McCartney ved det!

“Let it be” er en god sang. Slet ikke banal, men genial.

For søren, altså. Mennesket er sgu underligt. I desperation går vi rundt og spørger Gud og hver mand: “hvad skal jeg gøre?! (med mit liv)”

Det bedste bud på et svar er: “ingenting”.

Alligevel farer vi rundt i et forsøg på at lindre, dulme, føle os i live, få bekræftelse.

Let it be – det er så simpelt. Alligevel kan det tage voksne mennesker årevis at finde ud af. Men så er det jo nok fordi man skulle lære et eller andet af processen…

 

 

 

 

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