(Anti)fordybelsesuger

Jeg er helt smadret i min hjerne idag. Ikke på grund af alt det jeg har lavet, men alt det jeg ikke har fået lavet. Det er det der skaber mest rod, ikke? Og det er sådan mange stress-tilfælde starter. Ikke nødvendigvis fordi man har travlt. Jeg har kun haft stress-stress en gang i mit liv tilbage i 2012. Men siden da har jeg da haft såkaldte stressende perioder ligesom alle andre, selvom jeg ved, at man ikke skal misbruge ordet. I de perioder er det ikke altid den ydre travlhed, der er roden, men den indre dvælen ved fortiden og alt det, man ikke nåede – kombineret med alt for høje krav og forventninger og for lidt tid.

Da jeg var en ung håbefuld musiker, var jeg konstant plaget af dårlig samvittighed over alle de timer, jeg ikke havde øvet. Det er en klassiker, og stort set alle mine venner havde det på samme måde. Man kunne altid blive bedre, altid gøre en bedre indsats. Det er jo rigtigt nok. Men derfor betyder det ikke, at man ikke godt kunne gøre det godt nok. Måske gjorde jeg det godt nok, det bedste jeg kunne. Jeg kunne bare ikke selv se det. Jeg gav aldrig mig selv den mindste smule anerkendelse, ligesom jeg heller aldrig tillod mig selv at slappe af eller nyde en succesoplevelse, eller endnu sværere: nyde processen.

Hele den tankegang slap jeg, da jeg efter både terapi, 12-trins-kursus og et personligt møde med Jesus, begyndte at tale pænt til mig selv. For første gang nogensinde!

Den lillebitte ændring gjorde en kæmpe forskel.

Jeg skriver dette nu, fordi jeg har brug for at minde mig selv om, at tale pænt til mig selv, og ikke dvæle for meget ved alt det, der ikke gik.

På 3K har vi her i uge 7 og 8 det vi kalder “fordybelsesuger”. Det er kort sagt to uger, 3 ECTS-point, 80 arbejdstimer, man kan disponere, som man vil (indenfor modulets tema, hvilket kan tolkes meget bredt). Den sidste fredag skal “projektet” fremlægges for klassen. Undervejs skal der laves et produkt i en eller anden afskygning og en refleksionsrapport over hvad man har gjort, hvordan og hvorfor.

Lyder det ikke bare mega fedt? To uger til at fordybe sig i lige det, man vil!

Jo, hvis vi skal tage ja-hatten på, og det skal vi. Da vores underviser fortalte os om forløbet, lurede “hvordan-kan-jeg-springe-over-hvor-gærdet-er-lavest-tankegangen” lige rundt om hjørnet. Og der gik ikke lang tid, før den første elev stillede et spørgsmål i stil med, hvor lidt kan man lave og alligevel bestå?

Men vores skønne, dejlige underviser fremlagde en langt mere positiv vinkel på det: i stedet for at tænke det som noget surt, man med nød og næppe skal igennem, så se det som en mulighed for at lave noget, du virkelig gerne vil.

Så langt, så godt. Jeg hoppede med på ja-hatten, og har virkelig prøvet at forholde mig optimistisk til projektet. Indtil det begyndte sidste mandag. Tanken om at få lov til for en gangs skyld at fordybe sig i et selvvalgt emne er fantastisk. Men man må jo også tage højde for “forstyrrende elementer” – som fx et barn, som skal indkøres i dagpleje. Lige præcis i fordybelsesugerne.

Det er perfekt timet, at jeg har to ugers skemafri til indkøring, således at jeg ikke får fravær pga. det. Men det har godt nok været noget af en mental udfordring, at holde hovedet koldt og nyde tiden sammen med sit barn, samtidigt med at der ligger et præs om, at jeg burde sidde og fordybe mig i noget 40 timer om ugen. For det er så godt som umuligt. Med mindre jeg tager natten i brug, hvilket jeg alligevel ikke ville få noget ud af, da jeg er udpræget a-menneske. Jeg er mildt sagt frustreret.

Nå, nok whining! Hvordan kommer jeg videre herfra?

Sket er sket, en uge er gået, og jeg kan ikke ændre på, hvordan den gik. Nu er en ny startet – er det ikke fantastisk, at solen altid står op på ny? At vi altid får en ny chance efter en dårlig dag, en dårlig uge – med mindre man dør, altså! (happy kliché destroyed).

Jeg havde en ambition om, at jeg gerne ville bruge tiden på at lære lidt grundlæggende html- og CSS-kodning, som jeg kan bruge i wordpress. Det vil jeg gerne, fordi det er relevant for fremtiden. I december søgte Kirkens Korshær en studentermedhjælper, hvor et af kravene var, at man havde erfaring med CMS-kodning, så det er jo kun en fordel at kunne i forhold til fremtidig jobsøgning. Samtidigt kan jeg bruge det her på min egen blog! Jeg har et standard wordpress-tema nu. Det er lidt for kedeligt, men jeg gider virkelig ikke betale penge for et andet. Så vil jeg hellere lære at lave et selv. Det havde jeg også sat hele sidste uge af til.

Nu er tiden gået, og jeg har ikke nået ret meget. Det er svært at nå at fordybe sig, når man kun har en time her og der. Lørdag og søndag havde jeg hele dagen. “Så må du bare være effektiv”, sagde min mand.

Øh.. nej! For mig er ordet fordybelse netop det modsatte af at være effektiv. Samtidigt er hele det her projekt ret uhåndgribeligt. Det handler ikke bare om at skrive en opgave, der er lang nok eller læse en bog. Det handler om at lære noget, som jeg ikke kan i forvejen. Det tager tid og ikke mindst tålmodighed.

Jeg havde glædet mig. Men nu er glæden desværre blevet slået ned af frustration og tidspres. Det irriterer mig, for det er livet søreme for kort til!

Derfor må jeg prøve at finde tilbage på sporet. Hvad var det der motiverede mig til at starte med? Hvis jeg ikke kan nå det, jeg oprindeligt ville, hvordan kan jeg så rette min plan, så den bliver realistisk?

Mit dilemma er nu – skal jeg holde fast på, at jeg vil lære at kode noget, og så komme med en hjemmeside nærmest uden indhold – eller skal jeg tage den nemme vej og lave en idiotsikret side med indhold?

Hvis jeg laver en side ad den nemme vej, så kommer der måske et flot produkt, men jeg har ikke lært det, jeg ville. Og det er jo det vigtigste – eller hvad? Der skal jo også nogle resultater på bordet, sådan er det hele desværre skruet sammen.

Jeg synes bare den fremlæggelse og produktet er meget udefinerbart. Jeg ved ikke præcis hvad der forventes af mig, og det gør mig usikker.

Hele det her projekt – vellykket eller ej – er en super øvelse i at styre sin egen tid, og tilrettelægge et læringsforløb i meget frie rammer. Det er voldsomt frustrerende, ja, men ofte er frustration den første kim til læring.

Nu har jeg lige brugt halvanden time på at blogge. Men ifølge mig selv skal man få udryddet overspringshandlingerne først. Så nu er der ingen undskyldninger.

 

 

 

 

 

22 thoughts on “(Anti)fordybelsesuger”

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