At skrive eller ikke at skrive

Jeg sidder i vores sofa med Valdes juniordyne (yndlings-puttedyne!) og en kop kaffe ved min side. Døren ud til terrassen er åben, og jeg kan nærmest høre og dufte foråret. Årstiderne påvirker mig altid meget, især foråret. Det er ikke bare sindets krummelurer, det er fysisk. Ja, faktisk har vibrationerne fra naturen før i tiden været så stærke, især i forbindelse med en teenageforelskelse, at jeg har følt mig lettere vanvittig. Men det er godt. Det er i hvert fald bedre at have en intens livsenergi, om end den kan være svær at rumme, end slet ingen. Dog har denne type forår ikke været til stede siden jeg blev mor. Hvilket får mig til at konkludere, at det må have været forplantningsinstinktet, der har været på spil. Sidste år havde jeg af naturlige årsager ikke den samme energi, men nu er forårsglæden så småt begyndt at spire.

I dag er første gang i lang tid, jeg har haft tid og overskud til at sætte mig ned for at pleje bloggen lidt (barnet har sovet i 3 timer og gør det stadig). Eller, det er løgn. Tid har jeg haft. For meget tid til at tænke, faktisk. Men jeg har altid for meget tid på en måde, for hver gang der er et lille pusterum, er der bare mere plads til at tankerne kan slå sig løs. Jeg troede, at jeg var blevet sådan en dejlig harmonisk person, som havde lært at holde mine tanker i snor og disciplinere dem som et kæledyr. Men her på det sidste har de fået lov til at udfolde sig ligeså kreativt, de ville. Og det er ok. Gud har styr på mig.

(Jeg har haft et billede i hovedet af at Gud sidder på en båd i havet. Jeg har en sikker plads ved siden af ham, men bliver ved med at have et behov for at svømme væk. Forskellen på nu og dengang (før min genfødsel) er bare, at jeg nu ikke svømmer længere væk, end at han lige nemt kan trække mig hjem igen)

Værre er det nok for min mand, mine venner og klassekammerater, som har skullet lægge øre til alverdens lommefilosofiske tanker og eksistentielle overvejelser. Puberteten om igen.

Nå, men jeg havde altså en undskyldning! Det har jo lige været fastetid, og fasten er traditionelt set en bodstid. En tid til at ransage sig selv og sit forhold til Gud og mennesker. Det er det, jeg har brugt det sidste stykke tid på, selvom det slet ikke var planlagt. Jeg har virkelig taget tilløb til at skrive om det mange gange. Med mulige overskrifter som “tankeskrald”, “hvad fasten bød på”, “hvilken type kristen er jeg” osv. Jeg har forsøgt at samle trådene, men indtil videre uden held.

Det har bragt mig til at tænke over, hvad jeg vil med bloggen, om jeg overhovedet vil den. Vil jeg bruge bloggen som et sted jeg kan få afløb – for tanker, følelser, refleksioner, frustrationer? Vil jeg skrive hudløst ærligt om min personlige rejse? Vil jeg inspirere andre eller bare glæde mig selv?

Jeg kunne hurtigt nævne ti ting, min blog ikke skal være. Det skal ikke være en dagbog, for det er simpelthen for uinteressant. Ej heller skal det være en losseplads for tankeskrald, det bliver for uorganiseret, og hjælper ikke engang mig selv. Nogle tanker skal bare ikke bygges videre på. For nogle hjælper det at få afløb ved at skrive dem ned, for mig er det ofte lige modsat, hvis jeg er på vej ud af en (destruktiv) tangent, skal jeg netop ikke begynde at skrive om det.

Når det er sagt, så har jeg nogle ønsker. En af de ting, jeg gerne vil med mit liv og med bloggen, er at øve mig i at skelne mellem privatlivet og det personlige. Jeg deler hjertens gerne ud af personlige tanker og erfaringer, hvis det på nogen måde kan hjælpe, opmuntre eller inspirere nogen. Men de meget private ting må gerne blive i privaten, også for min egen skyld (og resten af familien). Der er bare lige det, at det ligger til visse medlemmer af familien (min søster og jeg), at være meget ærlige. Hos os betyder ærlighed, at man siger hvad man umiddelbart tænker, og at alle sandheder, både om os selv og andre, hurtigt kommer på bordet. Jeg ved ærlighed ofte bliver omtalt som en dyd, men denne type ærlighed, kan godt tage overhånd, og måske nærmest være belastende (om end meget komisk). Så bloggen må gerne være et sted, hvor jeg fortæller en personlig historie, men jeg behøver ikke være en åben bog. Derfor er jeg også glad for, at jeg har holdt lidt igen med at dele mine tanker indtil videre.

En anden ting, jeg ønsker mig, er at lære at fokusere på det jeg gerne vil, i stedet for det jeg ikke vil. Jeg ved ikke om det er noget new-age-pjat, eller om det virkelig er en universel lov, “law of attraction”, men nu prøver vi det. “Hjernen kan ikke ikke”, har jeg tit hørt folk sige, og det er så rigtigt, i hvert fald for mit vedkommende. Jeg har en lang historie med at have et lettere anstrengt forhold til at skulle sætte regler op for mig selv. Og hver eneste gang jeg fortæller mig selv, at der er noget jeg ikke må, så får jeg endnu mere lyst til det. Sådan tror jeg bare nogle mennesker er indrettet. Hele den tankegang om alt det, man ikke vil, bygger den ikke et eller andet sted på frygt? Tanken om, at når jeg får børn, så vil jeg i hvert fald ikke.. (indsæt alt det, dine forældre gjorde). Eller når min mand og jeg for alt i verden vil undgå at blive skilt, for så blev vi jo bare som vores forældre!

Men hvorfor ikke fortælle universet, hvad man gerne vil have? Måske fordi jeg er langt mere sikker på, hvad jeg ikke vil have. Så giv mig lige lidt tid til at tænke over, hvad jeg gerne vil. Jeg vender tilbage.

Yggdrasil i forårssol
Yggdrasil i forårssol

 

32 thoughts on “At skrive eller ikke at skrive”

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