Om at træffe beslutninger

Jeg er ret dårligt til at tage beslutninger. Nej, jeg er faktisk lidt for god til at træffe dem. Men ekstremt dårlig til at holde fast i en beslutning længere tid ad gangen. Desværre (eller heldigvis for min læringskurve) indbærer “voksenlivet” en del seriøse beslutninger. Tålmodighed!!

Torsdag var min sidste dag på barsel (Ååh, mors store baby, tiden går så hurtigt, kliché kliché). Eller det vil sige, jeg skal stadig gå hjemme et par uger endnu, men bare ikke sammen med Valdemar. Han er nemlig startet i dagpleje. Jeg har bare ikke nået at skrive om det (hvordan får andre mødre tid til at blogge?!). Situationen pt. er, at barnet ofte kun sover 1/2-1 time om dagen, og først sover kl. 20-21 om aftenen (jeg begriber ikke hvordan han kan holde sig kørende). Min mand kommer hjem kl. 18.30 hver dag, så ofte spiser vi også sent, så om aftenen når vi faktisk ikke andet end oprydning, at putte barn og tale lidt sammen. Selvom der er mange ting jeg gerne ville, fx spille orgel og gå til yoga faith. Men det er jo nok en prioriteringssag, og jeg er ikke vant til at prioritere en blog, så mon ikke det kommer hen ad vejen..

Nu kan jeg ikke rigtigt huske hvad vi lavede i på vores sidste barselsdag sammen, men det var i hvert fald noget med at ligge i ske og sove lur sammen, og græde en hel del (kun mig), for det var altså lidt trist. Både det at jeg nu skal aflevere ham et andet sted hver dag, og at han ikke bare kan amme mange gange om dagen når han lige har lyst. Men også fordi jeg indså, at det bare aldrig bliver nemt at være mor. Og med det mener jeg ikke at det absolut er hårdt. Men efter man er blevet mor, er der så mange valg der skal træffes hele tiden, både på egne vegne og barnets. Derudover er der altid tusindvis af bekymringer og ambivalente følelser, det er i hvert fald min erfaring.

Indtil nu har jeg bekymret mig overraskende lidt, og jeg er slet ikke typen der tænker i skrækscenarier omkring mulige ulykker og den store stygge verden.. Min bekymring går mere på om jeg nu kommer til at gøre noget, som vil traumatisere ham, give ham ar på sjælen og psyken, noget som han skal leve med og lide under som voksen. Den frygt er langsomt vokset i takt med at han bliver mere bevidst om verden omkring sig, og får et mere nuanceret følelsesliv. Ærligt talt ved jeg ikke meget om hvad der foregår i hovedet på sådan en lille en, og hvad man skal gøre for ikke at fucke dem op. Jeg vil så gerne give ham et godt selvværd, eller i hvert fald bare nogenlunde. Noget mine forældre ikke formåede, og det har virkelig haft store konsekvenser for mig senere i livet, for et nogenlunde selvværd er essentielt for så mange ting, fx relationsdannelse, egenomsorg, sætte grænser osv. Noget jeg erfarede gennem mit 12-trins-forløb, som jeg vil skrive meget mere om en anden gang.

Hvor om alting er (den danske version af anyways)… jeg oplevede en stor ambivalens, for på den ene side var jeg ved at kede mig ihjel, og glædede mig så meget til at få et afbræk fra hverdagen på barsel, men samtidigt græd jeg over hvor meget jeg ville komme til at savne ham. Alt imens jeg hvert andet øjeblik skiftede mening mellem at ville blive hjemmegående mor og sende ham i dagpleje, men nu er beslutningen truffet, og så vil jeg øve mig i at holde fast i den. For en gangs skyld.

Næsten et år siden
Næsten et år siden

21 thoughts on “Om at træffe beslutninger”

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