Havefest med Gaya

(Til Valdemar)

Jeg havde altid været bange for det. Men nu ved jeg at der ikke er noget at være bange for. Også sådan helt generelt. Jeg behøver ikke være bange for livet mere. Jeg kan leve. Før havde jeg så uendeligt mange spørgsmål. Nu har jeg kun to:

  • Hvorfor er livet ikke nok i sig selv?
  • Den tilstand små børn ofte er i – totalt i flow i nuet – hvornår og hvordan kom vi voksne nogensinde ud af den?

Jeg kan næsten ikke tænke mere. Men det er der måske heller ingen grund til. Det jeg oplevede var, at være i en have, på en kirkegård. Det kildede i min krop, som én stor orgasme. Mine ben blev bløde, og det var som om de søgte ned mod jorden, de ville blive der. Da Valde satte sig i mit skød, var det som om han smeltede som smør. Ragna havde meget store blå øjne. Der var et fantastisk sollys og blomster overalt (også i virkeligheden). Jeg gik på opdagelse med børnene, Valdemar, Vigo og Ragna. Jeg var i deres verden. Noget jeg altid har ønsket mig. Jeg så bare det, der var foran mig, intet andet. Der var så meget der forsvandt – sindet, måske. Det var som om alle løgnene blev skrællet væk. Og tilbage var der kun ren eksistens, nuet, liv og lys. Alt det andet var bare noget jeg (med hjælp fra andre/samfundet) havde opdigtet – og holdt fast i. Hvorfor holdte jeg fast i det? Fordi jeg troede jeg havde brug for det.

Vreden er væk nu. Jeg behøver den ikke i samme grad. Jeg har ikke længere samme behov for at kæmpe for noget. Jeg tror på, at alt der forceres, bliver en kamp. Ikke forstået på den måde, at jeg bare vil flygte fra alle former for konflikt. Men jeg har ikke behov for at opfinde kampe, som egentligt ikke findes. Jeg har en følelse af, at det eneste jeg skal, er at forsøge at leve så fredeligt og ikke-voldeligt som muligt. Altså det er ikke noget jeg SKAL tvinges til, men noget jeg skal gøre i den udstrækning, det falder mig naturligt og let. Og her mener jeg på alle planer. Ikke kun ved at undgå at dræbe, men også bare i forhold til aggression i det hele taget.

Jeg har været voldsomt aggressiv, indeni, men også i min måde at tale og kommunikere på. Faktisk har jeg i mange år forsøgt at give et fredeligt og kærligt budskab videre på en meget aggressiv måde (det gælder både ift. Veganisme, kristendom osv.). Det hænger bare ikke sammen. Jeg vil ikke længere sige at jeg er færdig med noget, eller ikke vil det, eller at jeg aldrig vil gøre det. Det er simpelthen alt for sort/hvidt og endegyldigt. I stedet vil jeg sige til mig selv, at jeg ikke behøver kæmpe så hårdt. Måske behøver jeg ikke være så offensiv. Det jeg gerne vil, er, at leve det, jeg ønsker for verden – be the change.

Dårlig samvittighed? Nej tak, jeg fortryder intet. Tro mig, jeg har haft min andel af skyld og skam – måske er det uundgåeligt, men samtidigt behøver det heller ikke være konstant. Livet er ikke en konkurrence. Hvad andre tænker behøver jeg ikke tage mig af. For det betyder ikke noget. Jeg ved, hvad der er rigtigt, og det vil jeg gerne lære at stole på. Ej heller vil jeg lade mig synke ind i verdens kummerlighed og degenererende vaner, så det sortner for mine øjne. Jeg behøver ikke føre krig mod nogen og noget. Andre mennesker kan gøre lige hvad de vil. Jeg behøver ikke deltage i det.

Hvorfor skulle livet ikke være nok i sig selv? Før var jeg på jagt – efter det, livet skulle indeholde: formål, mål, mening, planer og projekter. Men nu føler jeg i højere grad at det hele er nok i sig selv – jeg behøver ikke tilføje noget. Desperationen hviler sig. Vi har jo solen, træerne, jorden, vores kroppe, hinanden, sprog, bevidsthed og sanser. Hvordan kan man så kede sig? Og hvis man gør – hvad sker der så ved det? Hvordan formår børn at leve i nuet på den måde, de gør? Jeg fik en bid af jeres verden, og jeg ved jeg kan komme derhen igen, om end kun glimtvis, hvis du hjælper mig, min søn. Jeg kan lære så meget af børn. Jeg håber at jeg aldrig bliver ”rigtigt voksen”.

Tak Valde, Vigo og Ragna, fordi I vil rejse sammen med mig. Tak for alt det, I har lært mig. Jeg håber, I en dag kommer til at føle, at jeg også lærte jer noget.

Det eneste jeg ønsker er at blive et med Gud. Hvis det ikke kan lade sig gøre på jorden, ønsker jeg bare at komme så tæt på det som muligt. Børn er et med Gud. Guds plan er ikke noget man kan læse sig til. Det er noget man må lytte efter. For at lytte skal man kunne åbne sit sind op, så det kan blive fornyet. Det er aldrig for sent at blive genfødt eller få et nyt perspektiv. Jeg vil gerne lære at lytte.

Jeg ved ikke hvad du tænker som 18-årig, når du læser det her. Jeg vil ikke komme med gode råd. Måske er der ingen stor hemmelighed bag det hele. Måske er livet i virkeligheden meget simpelt.

Efter mange års forsøg på at opdrage dig og bestemme over dig, vil jeg nu afsløre dette: Der er ikke noget, du SKAL. Og der er heller ikke noget, du ikke . Der er kun en masse, du kan gøre. Nu er det dig, der skal sætte grænserne. Når du skal træffe dine valg, kan du vælge at lytte mere eller mindre til dig selv, andre, dine forældre eller Gud. Men husk, vi er alle forbundne, og aldrig fuldstændigt uafhængige.

20160410_172154
Valdemar og Ragna

122 thoughts on “Havefest med Gaya”

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