Så ramte den mig, forårsblues’en (jeg er stoppet med at misbruge ordet depression). Jo, jeg er også en af dem, som godt kan blive lidt vintertrist. Men det plejer at toppe om foråret. Hvorfor? Da jeg var yngre havde det nok meget noget med hormoner at gøre (min forklaring på alt). Det har det måske stadig. Jeg bliver simpelthen så forvirret på en underlig måde. Måske er det noget med, at alt kommer frem i lyset, også bogstaveligt talt. Solen skinner på mig, men den varmer ikke. Alle folk er ude for at flashe deres perfekte kroppe, brede smil og evne til at nyde livet. Karikeret beskrevet. Jeg bliver måske mere misundelig på folk, fordi de virker så glade. Gang på gang er jeg blevet skuffet over foråret. Alt for ofte har jeg haft en forestilling om, at når bare naturen begyndte at blomstre, så ville jeg blive genfødt, opstå fra de døde. Ekstreme poler sat op mod hinanden, som altid.

Som foråret har livet skuffet mig igen og igen. Jeg har simpelthen for høje forventninger til det, lyder min seneste konklusion. Noget min mor påpegede for mange år siden. Men det er ikke nødvendigvis en dårlig ting, er det? Jeg synes netop man skal have forventninger til livet, og til andre mennesker, for den sags skyld. Mine høje forventninger og krav udspringer af noget. Skrækscenariet om det ubevidste menneske. Eller et menneske, som går i stå, bliver forstokket. Det var virkelig min største frygt som helt ung. Det (ubevidste) exsistentielle selvmord. Ja, jeg staver det med x ligesom Strunge!

Jeg skulle aldrig have valgt filosofi i gymnasiet! For lige siden jeg blev introduceret til existentialismen, har mine tanker kredset i de baner. Og Hold nu op, hvor kan det være opslidende. Uendelig regres, var det ikke det begreb, vi lærte? At støde hovedet mod en mur igen og igen. Stilstand, nedbrydning, genfødsel, død,  forfra. Navlepilleri for alle pengene. Hvor har jeg spildt meget liv. I min frygt for at gå i stå, gjorde jeg netop det.

“Men Tabi, du er jo blevet klogere af det!”
Er jeg det?!
Jeg kan stadig ikke finde ud af at leve livet. Jeg er blevet bedre til at være, jo. Nu kan jeg rent faktisk være i min krop uden at mit hoved eksploderer. Jeg kan være til stede i verden uden at flygte. Men virkelig at leve, og at nyde det, kniber det med.
Øvelse gør mester, og der er ikke kun èn vej. Der er mange. Gud har givet os masser af tid (håber vi), så måske er det faktisk helt ok at prøve sig frem. Måske behøver jeg ikke have alle svarene før jeg begynder at leve mit liv. Måske finder jeg dem undervejs.
Men til at begynde med må jeg tage det første skridt…

19 thoughts on “Slam!”

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