Om at brænde broer

Det der sker er, at jeg skriver eksamensopgave. Eller burde. Gruppeeksamen.Det lyder da mere tillokkende end gruppeterapi – eller hvad? Og jeg er typen der helst vil ordne det hele alene. Undgå mennesker. Men det er faktisk rart at have nogle at sparre med. Så kan man ikke dvæle helt så længe ved ens egne skøre tanker. Måske er det derfor Gud skabte mennesket som et flokdyr.

Så var det at Tahini inviterede os til Bornholm for at bo. Og så tog vi endnu engang den store “hvor-skal-vi-bo-snak”. Og nu har vi skrevet os op til en masse rækkehuse i Aarhus. Jeg sværger at Valde ikke skal opleve at flytte ligeså mange gang,e som vi gjorde som børn. Vi er da meget godt igang med at fucke det projekt op. Hvis det skal være, så skal det jo helst være før skolealderen, ik?

Solen skinner på mig nu. Jeg drikker kaffe mellem højbed og nyvaskede bleer. Jeg er begyndt at lave overspringshandlinger. Ville gerne i kirke i aften med de unge og smarte. Få en JC-indsprøjtning. Er lille Helligånds-trip. Men jeg orker det ikke. Heller ikke selvom jeg ser ret godt ud i dag. Rent tøj og nogenlunde nyvasket hår. Jeg har et hjem der skal tæmmes (jo, det er meget hyggeligt at få barn, men der følger meget husligt arbejde med!) Eksamensuge forude betyder bare endnu mere rod og kaos. Man skal have en ren røv at trutte i. Et blankt lærred at male på, eller hvad man nu siger. Kunst bliver det nok ikke til.

Jeg vil gerne slå mig ned et sted og alligevel ikke. I dag indså jeg at mit job er det eneste, jeg har holdt fast i de sidste 5 år. Foruden tre veninder. Alt andet i mit liv er relativt nyskabt. Dvs. efter 2011. Jeg har brændt mange broer bag mig. Og det kribler i mig for at brænde endnu flere. Men hvorfor? Hvorfor må man ikke holde fast i noget? Jeg har et stort behov for at have magt over ting. Det er mig der skal bestemme, hvornår ting slutter. Ikke andet. Jeg får stress når jeg føler jeg lægger mit liv, min fremtid i andres hænder. Derfor er det den største udfordring, Gud har givet mig: at lade andre mennesker komme ind i mit liv. Helt ind i sindet! Men det er meget få, der virkelig har fået lov til det. Og når de endelig gør, bliver de skubbet væk. Fordi jeg har brug for at have kontrol. Det er da meget menneskeligt, ik?

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52 thoughts on “Om at brænde broer”

  1. Aaarrhhjj, rækkehus i Aarhus? Dét lyder som en dårlig idé! Så skulle i vist hellere lytte til hende Tahini..

  2. Hvor kan jeg følge dig og dine tanker om at flytte, jeg svor selv at mine børn ikke skulle flytte og slet ikke som teenager fordi jeg selv blev splittet mellem to byer med venner, og det var knald svært at være lidt begge steder.
    Men faktisk var det for det bedste, vi flyttede til et bedre sted, så måske er det ikke så meget selve det at flytte, men at der “opgraderes” når man gør så der skabes bedre vilkår for ungerne.

    Håber i finder en løsning og et fint nyt hjem :- )

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