Bare en dag

Nu sidder jeg her igen med Elvis. Barnet sover stadig, selvom kl. Er 9.07. Det er da utroligt.Han er virkelig B-menneske, modsat sine forældre. Så nu er jeg igang med min yndlingsbeskæftigelse: at drikke kaffe i sengen. Jo, det er det bedste jeg ved. Ja, jeg er kedelig. Jeg elsker at være alene uden at være det. Det vil sige, jeg synes det er hyggeligt at være sammen med andre mennesker, hvis bare de ligger og sover ved siden af. Lige præcis Valdemar må gerne vågne snart, jeg bliver utålmodig.

Hvorfor kan jeg ikke lide mennesker? Det kan jeg måske også godt, jeg har bare ikke overskud til dem. Og det har jeg altid været irriteret på mig selv over, at jeg ikke har. Jeg har aldrig syntes det var i orden, at jeg ikke er den, der bare Elsker at være social. Men det er det. Jeg ved ikke hvad der sker for mig lige nu. Jeg tror jeg har nået et punkt, hvor jeg må gøre op med nogle ting. Igår var jeg så træt, at jeg ikke orkede at gå i bad, selvom jeg havde fri. Da vi så fik besøg burde jeg måske have gjort det, men jeg var ligeglad. Ligeglad med hvor meget jeg lugtede eller hvor filtret håret var,eller det at jeg gik rundt i natbukser, for det er jo egentligt ligegyldigt. Det betyder ingenting.

 Hvis der er noget, som altid har interesseret mig, så er det det, der betyder noget. Det vigtige. At jeg så ikke har vidst, hvad det var, er kun naturligt for et ungt menneske. Nu ved jeg det, tror jeg. Problemet er bare, at min hverdag fyldes op af alt muligt, der ikke betyder noget. Den famøse uendelige informationsstrøm, som invaderer det moderne menneskes hjerne, før man når at tænke sig om. Herunder de sociale medier, som jeg altid har været storforbruger af. Jeg har altid elsket Facebook, instagram osv. på trods af, at det ikke giver mig noget godt. Tværtimod. Men jeg har jo også altid elsket at hade mig selv. 

Nu vil jeg gå en ny vej. Hvor al larmen skæres væk, eller i hvert fald en del af det. Jo, jeg har da en naturlig nysgerrighed, som gør at min hjerne bliver glad, når jeg får lov til at følge med i (fremmede) menneskers liv. Men det er jo ikke deres liv. Og det ved vi alle godt. Det er et stort skuespil med iscenesatte personaer, hollywoodfiltre og halve sandheder. Det er jo også sjovt nok i sig selv. Problemet er bare, at vores hjerner begynder at opfatte det som en ny virkelighed. Dem er der flere af, bevares. Men jeg foretrækker at være i den virkelighed, som min krop er i. Eller det gør jeg ikke, jeg foretrækker netop at flygte fra den, og det er problemet. Ifølge mig. Den “fysiske” virkelighed fylder mig så meget op, at der ikke er plads til mere. Rigtige møder med rigtige mennesker er opslidende nok i sig selv. Jeg har ikke brug for at følge med i andres liv ved siden af det. For jeg kan ikke rumme det. Og det er ok. Det er ikke vigtigt, hvad de andre laver. Det er ikke mit liv.

Jeg må begynde at fokusere på mit liv. Men hvad er mit liv? Det er Valdemar, Lassefar og JC. 

Mit liv er slet ikke så dårligt endda, selvom det ikke ser perfekt ud. Jeg svømmer i velsignelser, kærlighed og nåde. Jeg er heldig. Jeg kan bare ikke tage imod det. Jeg er bitter, men det skal ikke gå ud over min familie. Det skal ikke få lov til at skabe en mur mellem mig og dem,  hvor kærlighed ikke kan trænge igennem. Ærligt talt, har jeg meget svært ved at føle kærlighed. Fordi vreden blokerer. Og frygten, måske (der har vi frygten igen, Gaya!!). Det må jeg arbejde på. Sammen med min zen. Så fuck fuck da.

37 thoughts on “Bare en dag”

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