Taletid

Jeg vil ikke skrive mere. Jeg vil hellere leve. Hvorfor kan jeg ikke leve? Bare leve. Tage en dag ad gangen. Ikke reflektere så meget. Bare gøre. Handling frem for snak. Og en blog er også en slags snak. Jeg er mættet af blogmediet. Hvorfor skal alt genfortælles, vendes og drejes, og sættes ind i en mere eller mindre identitetsskabende fortælling? Det gør mig kun mere ufri. Selvom jeg i dag har badet nøgen til skue for hele Louisiana, føler jeg mig ikke særligt fri.

Jeg vil helst ikke abonnere på noget, ligesom jeg også helst labeler mig selv non-labeler. Men jeg abonnerer på mange ting. Ægteskabet. 8-16-tilværelsen. Identitetsjagten. Selvrealiseringens klamhed. Villa, volvo og vovhund. Næsten. Historier, fortællinger, løgne. Kapitalismen. Selvhadet. Vreden. Jeg har kvalme over mit forstadsliv. Hvorfor skal mennesker være spærret inde i små kasser? Selv altanerne er der hønsetråd for, så man ikke engang har et ordentligt udsyn. Og folk gør det helt frivilligt.

Måske var det ikke intentionen til at begynde med. Vi ville ikke være som vores forældre, men det blev vi. Hvor mange har ikke haft disse ord som overskrift for deres liv? Jeg ville noget, en ting. Men så begyndte jeg at abonnere på noget, på livets opskrift. At abonnere vil sige, at binde sig til en pakkeløsning, og pakkeløsninger stinker, tro mig. “Når man har sagt A, må man også sige B” – nok et af de dummeste ordsprog. Problemet er bare, at det er sandt. Eller det er ikke sandt, men det er en realitet. Jo, man kan godt udfordre de eksisterende strukturer og plukke og shoppe og patchworke lidt, forsøge at bygge korthuset efter en ny formel. Men ofte tager det ene det andet. Når først man har sagt mand og kone, følger mor og far, huslån og bil, tørke på alle punkter, så man ikke kan se skoven for bare trivialiteter. Undskyldninger, rationaliseringer, beslutninger der træffes uden at trække vejret. Hvor var vi og hvor skal vi hen? Findes vi overhovedet?

Trin 1 i dit nye liv: smid din smartphone ad H til! Den ødelægger din tommelfinger, din selvtillid, din søvn, dit sexliv, dine samtaler, dit måltid, dine relationer, dine børn, din zen og din evne til at fokusere. Den fu*kr med din hjerne. De sociale medier er bare endnu et redskab for kapitalisterne, så de kan tjene penge. De ønsker at du skal være utilfreds med dit liv, så du kan købe dig til en løsning. Hele den her tankegang, som skabes, når man konstant sammenligner sig med andre, er hvad de ønsker. Det er klamt. De får dig til at tro, at du er noget, at du kan skabe dig selv, men du er ikke andet end en forbruger. En forbruger som håndfodrer industrien med dig selv, hakket på dåse. Hausfrau i flødesauce.

Det eneste jeg ønsker er at komme i kontakt med noget. Gud, et menneske, en sjæl, mit sande jeg, universet, flow, nuets kraft, kærlighed, kunst. Jeg ønsker at blive et med Gud. Måske var det derfor, det engang syntes nærliggende for mig at tilslutte mig Hare Krishna – fordi kontakten til Gud er i fokus. Det er det eneste, jeg ønsker mig. Der er ikke andet jeg vil, for alle andre kampe er tabt på forhånd. Jeg kan ikke kæmpe for verden. I hvert fald ikke før jeg er kommet i kontakt med det, som skal give mig styrke. Men måske er denne kamp også tabt på forhånd. Jeg bliver aldrig et med Gud, for jeg er kun et menneske.

18 thoughts on “Taletid”

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