Stop effektivitets-tyranniet!

Nu er det efterhånden 9 år siden jeg stoppede med at spille musik på et seriøst plan, og besluttede at droppe drømmen om at blive orkestermusiker, og den daglige stressfaktor, der følger med. I mellemtiden har der godt nok været en optagelsesprøve til konservatoriet i et andet fag, men som sanger er det dog begrænset hvor mange timer om dagen man kan øve sig, især når jeg også sad til korprøver 12 timer om ugen og sang i kirke om søndagen.

Alligevel har jeg helt indtil nu (og måske stadig) været underlagt det effektivitets-tyranni, som hersker i den klassiske musiks verden. Og desværre også alle mulige andre steder. Jeg ved at det er rigtigt, for de venner jeg har, som stadig er i branchen, bekræfter jævnligt, hvor anstrengende det kan være. Men måske er det først nu jeg indser, hvor meget den tankegang har gennemsyret mit liv. Den der følelse af, at man burde gøre noget. Hele tiden. At man altid kunne have gjort (øvet) mere. At man kunne have gjort det bedre. Man skal have det optimale ud af dagen, hver dag, for ellers bliver man bagud. Man skulle jo gerne nå på konservatoriet inden man fyldte 20 år. Og har du ikke job inden du er 30, så er du lost!

Sådan er det sikkert også på andre stræberiske studier, men forskellen på dem og musikere er, at som musiker kan man ikke bare holde en dags pause. Man skal altid øve, og der er ikke noget, der hedder ferie. I hvert fald ikke med god samvittighed.

De sidste 3,5 år har jeg læst på et studie, hvor man langt fra bliver presset til det yderste, og i høj grad kan tillade sig at chille lidt – alligevel har netop det faktisk stresset mig endnu mere – det at lave “for lidt”. Jeg er dog blevet bedre til at slappe af og leve i et langsommere tempo, eftersom Valdemar, min lille zenmaster, inspirerer mig til det hver eneste dag.

Men hvor stammer den effektivitets-tankegang fra?

Jeg har altid ladet mig påvirke meget af andre mennesker, og i mange år troede jeg, at jeg skulle være ligesom mine musikervenner. Ellers var jeg ikke noget, og havde spildt mit liv. Selvom jeg hver dag minder mig selv om, hvorfor jeg valgte det fra, nemlig på grund af, at jeg ikke synes det er det værd, at skulle leve et liv med så meget pres og stress – så er jeg til tider stadig invaderet af mind-settet. Og det er jo klart, for det er stort set alle i den tid vi lever i.

Dette har gjort, at jeg i mange år slet ikke har kunnet nyde livet – eller noget som helst. Og det har jo kun styrket min selvdestruktive side.

Men det skal være slut nu!

Eksempelvis havde jeg i dag, som så mange andre dage, en plan. Min plan var først og fremmest et besøg af en ny bekendt og med-gravid, som jeg skulle introducere til stofbleer. Men forud for dette havde jeg en ambition om at rydde hele huset op, gøre rent og få kigget på den der problemformulering, jeg skal have lavet, for at komme videre med min eksamensopgave.

Alt dette kunne måske være lykkes, hvis bare jeg havde haft disciplin til at stå tidligt op og aflevere barnet (forholdsvist) tidligt. Hvad skete der? Barnet sover til kl. 8.20, mens jeg nyder livet og stilheden.

Kl. 10 står vi i legestuen, hvorefter jeg lige skal købe ind til i morgen, hvor vi får gæster til aftensmad.

Kl. 10.28 tænker jeg: nu laver jeg en tornado! Sådan en omgang oprydning kan da max tage en halv time.

2 timer senere…. færdig. Og meget træt. Når lige at kaste noget friture i hovedet før jeg får besøg. Det skal lige siges, at det kan være pænt hårdt at gøre rent, når man er 10 kg tungere og har 2 kg menneske, der roder rundt indeni en! Men er jeg stolt af mig selv? Nej, jeg er sur. Faktisk er min dag ødelagt, for nu når jeg ikke at kigge på det vigtigste: opgaven. Til gengæld ved jeg, at det at få gjort rent, kun giver en bedre opgave, for hvis vi kan holde bare lidt af den orden, bliver det meget nemmere at fokusere på det vigtige i eksamensperioden.

Jeg har nået mange ting, og havde et meget hyggeligt besøg. Alligevel føler jeg min dag er ødelagt. Alene fordi min plan ikke blev virkeliggjort. Og sådan har stort set alle mine dage været, nogensinde. Mit sind er simpelthen så infiltreret af samfundets tankegang, om at man skal være effektiv.

Men det skal være slut nu!

Lad os kæmpe sammen om at få sat en stopper for det her. Det skal ikke have adgang til vores sind. Om en dag er god, skal ikke afgøres af, hvor meget jeg nåede. For vi ved jo allesammen godt, at det ikke er det, det handler om, ikke?

I dag kom jeg ud at gå i solskinnet, og det er guld værd, nok til at kalde det en god dag.

Gud har sagt til mig, at det eneste jeg skal nå nu, er at nyde livet. Så det vil jeg gøre.

 

 

 

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