Trippet

Gaya ville forstå mig, hvis hun havde været her.

Et vennepar fortalte os da vi fik Valdemar, at de synes de første 14 dage som nybagte forældre var det vildeste syretrip (og ja, de havde prøvet den ægte vare). Forstået på den måde, at alt bliver vendt op og ned og man ved ikke hvor man er – sådan tolker jeg det!? Men det syntes jeg bare slet ikke. Tværtimod har jeg aldrig følt mig mere harmonisk og jordbunden end den første tid efter jeg blev mor. Men nu! Nu hvor jeg venter vores andet barn, har syretrippet allerede indfundet sig flere uger før termin. Jeg er simpelthen ude af mig selv. Indrømmet, jeg har aldrig prøvet syre, så jeg aner jo ikke hvordan det er. Men jeg går ud fra, at alt kan ske, og at man får en form for indsigt i dele af (u)virkeligheden eller i sig selv. Jeg vil gerne fortælle lidt om, hvordan jeg oplever denne tilstand, jeg er i nu: graviditet og ventetid.

Jeg har i mine to graviditeter endnu ikke oplevet fysiske problemer bortset fra ekstrem træthed. Og det er jo fantastisk i sig selv. Men rent mentalt har jeg været helt ude at skide. Altså mest i første trimester. Eksistentiel krise mindst tre gange om dagen, og manglende evne til at rumme andre mennesker. Andet trimester har jeg været det mest harmoniske menneske på denne jord (når jeg ikke lige er vred). Jeg kan godt huske, at jeg var lettere demotiveret for mit studie og verden omkring mig sidste gang i tredje trimester, men denne gang er det helt ekstremt. Jeg går ud fra det er rent beskytterinstinkt.

Jeg oplever at jeg står midt mellem to liv: mit nye og mit gamle. Jeg kan ikke rigtigt ændre på mit gamle liv nu, for jeg ved, at det snart bliver forandret helt automatisk. Det nye liv aner jeg ikke hvordan bliver, blot at det kommer. For hver dag der går kommer det nærmere og nærmere, men samtidigt føles ventetiden mere og mere ulidelig for hver dag der går. Jeg er i lykkelige omstændigheder, som man siger, ja, men samtidigt i en form for eksistentielt vakuum. Jeg kan ikke rigtigt holde fast i noget i mit liv. Jo, jeg kan forsøge, men det bliver krampagtigt og unaturligt, og gør det kun sværere at skulle slippe det hele igen.

Jeg føler jeg er ved at miste mig selv, hvis ikke det allerede er sket. Hvem jeg er og hvad jeg vil er ikke så vigtigt lige nu. Lige nu er jeg bare ren natur. Et hundrede procent omsorgsinstinkt. Jeg er ikke motiveret for noget som helst andet end at bygge min rede og beskytte børnene. Hvad jeg plejede at være motiveret for, kan jeg ikke mærke nu. Jeg har mange planer, ambitioner og idéer, men kun i hovedet, for de er ikke længere lystdrevne. Ikke engang frustrationen over manglende tid til at udleve dem, kan gøre mig ophidset. Universet er godt igang med at udviske mit ego, og det er helt ok. Jeg har ingen holdning til det. Det er hvad det er.

Sådan en dag som i dag, er jeg taoist. Jeg ved at der kun er én ting at gøre: go with the flow. Modstand skaber kun mere modstand. Du kan forsøge at holde fast, men så vil det kun gøre mere ondt, den dag du bliver tvunget til at give slip. Og den dag kommer snart. Meget snart.

21 thoughts on “Trippet”

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