Hverdagsagtigt

Så begynder hverdagen igen i dag! Sådan skrev mange sikkert for en uge siden efter påskeferiens afslutning. Men her vender hverdagen ikke tilbage lige foreløbigt. Hvis den altså nogensinde har eksisteret. Måske er det ok, for jeg har altid haft et meget ambivalent forhold til “hverdagsbegrebet”. Jeg drømte i mange år om, at lære at holde af hverdagen, ligesom den famøse Dan Turell. I stedet har jeg altid hadet hverdagen, i hvert fald i mine ungdomsår. Det hang nok sammen med, at jeg aldrig følte jeg kunne få en hverdag til at fungere for mig selv. Og det skulle man jo. Hvorfor? Det aner jeg ikke. Sådan er det bare, hvis man vil være en rigtig samfundsborger. Nogle mener jo også at det er direkte sundt med faste rutiner, især når man er lidt forstyrret i hovedet. Samtidigt havde jeg også en idé om, at jeg kunne finde en tryghed i hverdagen. Det lykkedes bare aldrig. Med undtagelse af den gang jeg var i kloster, hvor der var faste arbejdsopgaver og tidebønner hver dag, det var virkelig bare dejligt, men selv den hverdag vidste jeg jo var midlertidig.

Min forestilling om hverdagen var i mange år, at det skulle være noget fast og uforanderligt, som aldrig ville forandre sig. Derfor stressede det mig helt vildt når der skete forandringer, hvilket der hele tiden gjorde, især fordi jeg næsten dagligt skulle bryde alt fuldstændigt ned på existentialistisk vis og bygge det op igen. Jeg var ofte på bar bund, måske uden grund under fødderne, og skulle genopfinde mig selv og alt forfra hele tiden. Det var jo naturligt nok meget stressende og belastende.

Hvad så nu? Jeg har aldrig helt sluppet den der følelse af irritation over, at ting hele tiden forandrer sig, herunder min (nu vores) hverdag. Men jeg har virkelig øvet mig i det, og gjort fremskridt. Mere accept, mindre panik – det er nok meget sigende for mit liv lige nu. Før i tiden kunne jeg virkelig gå i panik over alt (og ingenting), og det hænder da stadig engang imellem, at jeg går i selvsving over alt det, jeg ville ønske jeg kunne kontrollere, men som ligger helt uden for min kontrol. Eksempelvis det her med at vi ved at vores nuværende bolig kun er midlertidig, og at vi skal rykke videre på et tidspunkt, måske endda til Jylland. I den forbindelse kan jeg nogle gange godt føle, at alt jeg gør er spild af tid og kræfter, især i forhold til relationer, som i forvejen kan være anstrengende for mig, fordi jeg ved at jeg “smider det hele væk” en dag, om ikke ret lang tid. Så vil jeg hellere lade være med at leve livet indtil jeg kan begynde “mit rigtige liv”. Det er bare så typisk mig: at gå og vente på noget, der kommer (eller ikke kommer), i stedet for at leve nu.

Men det er vel egentligt meget almenmenneskeligt? Det er det der er så fascinerende ved mennesket, at man kan være et helt andet sted end her. Ja, det er syret, men det er rigtigt. Man kan være i så mange forskellige virkeligheder og sindstilstande, og man kan være så utroligt langt væk fra kroppen og jorden. Det har jeg været. Men nu tror jeg at jeg er på vej ned, på den gode måde, og det har jeg i den grad også brug for nu hvor jeg skal bruge det næste år på babypleje. For babyer er jo nærmest 100% instinkt, modsat os voksne, og der ligger altså en interessekonflikt, der vil noget, og som fremkalder alverdens underlige ambivalente følelser og uopfyldte behov. Mere om det en anden gang!

Nå, det jeg egentligt bare ville sige, var, at Valde er startet i dagpleje igen i dag efter to ugers ferie, og det er altså det nærmeste vi kommer hverdagen lige nu. Kalenderen skriver barsel, og det skal nydes! Jeg har allerede brugt de to første uger på at holde ferie sammen med Lassefar og Valde, og selvom vi har forsøgt at have få planer, synes jeg alligevel der er sket lidt for meget. Jeg ved, at der er nogle der keder sig på deres barsel (før fødslen), men det har jeg slet ikke nået endnu, så jeg ser kun frem til det. I dag har jeg bare nydt stilheden (og spillet The Sims i 3 timer). Jeg nyder virkelig den stilhed, der er inde i mit hoved lige nu. Seriøst, der sker intet. Det er et under. Det eneste jeg tænker på er, om jeg tænker på noget. Det må være zen. Sådan da. Så mangler vi bare at få kroppen med. Men det kan nås endnu. Bare vent lidt med at komme ud, baby. Jeg kan sagtens klare to ugers ferie alene. Heldigvis er alt babyrelateret parat, så jeg skal ikke styrte rundt og ordne alt muligt. Min krop er godt nok også øm efter to dage på farten, først til barnedåb og dagen efter til svigermors fødselsdag. I dag skal jeg afslutte 12-trins-kursus, og derefter har jeg så få planer som muligt. Jeg vil nyde min alenetid med god samvittighed. For efter baby går der sandsynligvis meget lang tid før jeg sådan får en hel dag (eller 14) for mig selv igen.

Hvad skal jeg lave?

  • så lidt om muligt
  • sove
  • øve mig i at trække vejret
  • lade som om jeg laver yoga
  • se Spis og Spar, BS & Ægteskabsprøven, Forsidefruer, De Unge Mødre
  • Netflix: Call the midwife, Love, Outlander
  • spise lige hvad jeg har lyst til
  • spille The Sims
  • ligge i ske med min ammepude
  • tage babytøj op af skuffen og sige “nåååååårh”
  • gøre lidt rent før hjemmefødsel – jo, skidt er sundt, men ikke så meget skidt!
  • lave knibeøvelser (husk det nu)
  • udforske boligforeningens svømmehal
  • kigge ud i luften
  • høre Kirsten Birgit
  • spise lidt mere
  • blogge (tro på det)
  • lave skøn og herlig aftensmad til Lassefar
  • lave mad til fryseren – ej, det gider jeg ikke, jeg køber bare noget megadyrt fastfood i Kvickly (seriøst)
  • gå/cykle en tur i solskin
  • lave falsk is-kaffe. nu da jeg ikke drikker kaffe mere, kan jeg altid lave en milkshake
  • spille orgel
  • tage små stofbleer ud af reolen og sige endnu mere “nåååååååårh”

Det bliver godt!!

23 thoughts on “Hverdagsagtigt”

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