I følelsernes vold

Kender I det? Nogle gange er man i sine følelsers vold. Det er menneskeligt. Det har jeg været en del her på det sidste. Når det sker, kan jeg nogle gange have svært ved at sætte ord på, hvilke følelser der er på spil. Men for det meste er det skyldfølelse og frustration. Skyldfølelsen er så abstrakt og irrationel, at jeg ikke vil komme nærmere ind på det her, men frustration er noget alle kender, og en følelse, som der ofte er mange gode forklaringer på.

Noget af det der kan gøre mig virkelig frustreret er, når jeg ikke ved, hvad Gud vil med mit liv! Jeg ville ønske jeg bare kunne få stukket en færdig 10-års-plan for mit liv i hånden eller en opskrift jeg skulle følge. Og så alligevel ikke. For så ville der ikke være noget eventyr! Men i situationen er det bare ikke eventyr jeg ser. Jeg kan være så frustreret, at jeg ikke kan tænke klart. Måske går frustrationen over i vrede. Måske sætter den gang i en lang række mere eller mindre sorte tanker. Som fortæller mig, at jeg ingen fremtid har, at jeg aldrig finder ud af hvad planen er, at jeg aldrig hører fra Gud igen, at jeg ikke kan finde ud af noget og ikke har nogle relationer, der er så vigtige, at jeg ikke bare kan skride fra dem når som helst. Det der sker er, at jeg ikke længere kan se det store perspektiv. Jeg får “tunnelsyn” og kan ikke se ud over min egen lille, triste verden. Og det er helt normalt. Det sker for alle nu og da. Nogle oftere end andre, måske.

Hvad kan man så gøre ved det?

“Gud kan ikke fjerne din smerte – han kan ændre dit perspektiv!”

Sådan sagde en af de kloge, seje kvinder, som talte ved kvindekonferencen “Women’s Reboot” for en måned siden i Aarhus Valgmenighed. Klog, fordi jeg synes det er meget klogt sagt. Og et godt svar til alle dem, som ikke kan tro på Gud, bare fordi han ikke har fjernet deres smerte. Når man kommer til tro, eller får svar på sine bønner, kan det godt føles som om man blev ramt af en trylleformular, som bare slettede al smerte og mørke i ens liv. Men sådan er det ikke. Jo, i det øjeblik fjernes smerten, og måske vender den aldrig tilbage i samme styrke igen. Sådan var det for mig. Men som kristen kommer man til at møde modgang og svære tider i livet, sjælelig og eksistentiel smerte, ligesom alle andre mennesker. For sådan er livet! Og det er der ikke noget galt i.

Måske behøver man ikke gøre noget ved det. Nogle gange skal man bare være mef følelsen, og forsøge at acceptere den. Det ville Robert mene. Og Martinus. Og når man en dag har accepteret alt fuldt ud, kan man måske være heldig at opnå “Robert-tilstanden”, også kaldet kosmisk bevidsthed, eller bare få et glimt af den. Nå, det var et sidespor..

Livet ville selvfølgelig være nemmere, hvis vi mennesker kunne acceptere – og dermed slutte fred med – alt. I stedet for at starte en masse kampe mod os selv. Men det er nok de færreste, som formår det uden videre. Jeg tror, at mange tænker, som mig: “jeg må gøre noget!”

Og således kan man fare rundt fra det ene verdenshjørne til det andet med hovedet under armen og forsøge at “finde sig selv”, og optimere sit liv på alle tænkelige måder. Jeg gør det selv. Sidste uge var jeg træt og i følelsernes vold. Jeg kunne mærke, at jeg var godt igang med at betræde stien mod at blive et bittert og udbrændt menneske. Hverken kærlighed eller glæde kunne jeg føle, overhovedet. Kun en frustration og vrede over, at hele verden havde gjort mig uret. Og ikke engang Gud gad gøre sig den ulejlighed at hjælpe!

Hvad gør jeg?! Panikken breder sig. Jeg må stoppe op, rive en dag ud af kalenderen for at finde ud af noget, mærke mig selv, være alene. Og det gjorde jeg så. Bortset fra at jeg endte med at have Valde hjemme alligevel, og det var der en mening med. Jeg kan nemlig ikke “finde mig selv” uden ham, da han er så stor en drl af mig!

Dèr slog det mig: jeg har ikke brug for at løsrive mig fra verden, Gud eller mennesker for at finde min vej. Jeg er nødt til at se mig selv i verden, og finde ud af hvem jeg er her.

Første skridt på vejen er at finde tilbage til den første kærlighed. Og stilheden. Så simpelt er det. Alt kan krølle sig sammen i sindets tankekaos, så livet kun ser sort ud, og alle udveje er blokerede. Men vejen ud er mere simpel, end man skulle tro. Naturens stilhed, Guds fred, som altid er der, bagved al larmen.

Vi skal finde tilbage til den første kærlighed. Gud elskede os først. Find ud af, hvordan han gjordr det. Glem det ikke. Den første, barnlige kærlighed til vores forældre. Den første kærlighed til din partner. Første gang du mærkede kærligheden til dit barn. Den dag du begyndte at elske dig selv. Din kærlighed til skaberværket og naturens overflod. Den stille glæde, som vokser ud af stilhed og bøn.

Ja, det lyder som noget hippiepis! Men det er true story. Det er det der skal til. Og det er her vi finder ud af hvem vi virkelig er.

Og så er det gratis!!!

Guds fred til alle

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107 thoughts on “I følelsernes vold”

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