Er du så ikke lykkelig nu? Jo, og meget andet…

I dag er det 8 dage siden lillesøster blev født. Det er nu jeg skal være lykkelig. Og det er jeg også. Men de første dage (og uger, måneder, år) efter en fødsel er også fulde af mange andre følelser. Vi har haft en meget rolig første uge indrettet efter vores behov og med minimalt besøg. På forhånd havde vi meldt ud til familie og venner, at vi ikke ønskede besøg på første eller andendagen. Og de tre første dage endte med at blive de bedste, selvom jeg her anden gang hurtigere følte mig klar til at tage imod besøg, fordi jeg ikke var så “rystet” over den nye rolle, så er jeg glad for vi ventede. Hvis der er noget jeg har lært af mine tidligere erfaringer, så er det, at det ikke kan betale sig at føre krig mod sine følelser. Der skal være plads til alle, det gør det kun nemmere.

Den allerførste aften og nat sov Valdemar hos sin farmor, og vi havde en nogenlunde rolig nat, hvor baby lå halvvejs ovenpå mig meget af tiden. Jeg havde dog heller ingen forventning om at hun ville sove for sig selv, som jeg havde med Valde, hvilket resulterede i at han græd hele natten de første to nætter, fordi jeg hele tiden forsøgte at lægge ham fra mig. Mandag morgen kom farmor forbi med Valdemar, og han var meget positivt indstillet over for babyen, havde gaver til hende, og blev ved med at kigge på hende og sige “det er min lillesøster”. Så cute!! Og jeg forklarede ham, at der havde været to damer, som havde hjulpet mor med at føde babyen, som vi også havde snakket før fødslen, hvor han havde sagt: “damerne skal presse babyen ud!” – ja, gid det var så vel, i stedet måtte jeg ofre mit underliv. Men skidt, det bliver godt igen.. De første tre dage synes Valde at lillesøster var meget spændende, derefter var hun mere uinteressant.

Første møde – Valdemar 2,5 år (præcis) og Lillesøster 1 dag gammel

De første tre dage gik med hygge og så meget afslapning som muligt, og hver dag tog jeg mig en middagslur på 1,5-2 timer og Valdemar på 3 timer, den ene dag sov han 4 timer, det må være hårdt at blive storebror. Mandag var jeg i lejligheden hele dagen, og baby var vågen stort set hele dagen, hvilket jeg undrede mig meget over – så her googlede jeg for første gang! – (uundgåeligt) – og snakkede også med jordemoderen om det (man får et opkald dagen efter en hjemmefødsel), men det skulle vist være meget normalt. Baby var også lidt ked af det, men det måtte være på grund af manglende mælk.Vi havde frygtet hvordan aftenen og natten ville forløbe med to børn, men heldigvis faldt Valde nemt i søvn og vågnede ikke en eneste gang om natten, trods en del babygråd. Jeg vidste ikke hvad jeg skulle gøre, når hun ikke ville have brystet, men heldigvis var Lasse god til at berolige hende. Den anden nat var nok meget klassisk, kl.3 om natten sad vi og kiggede på hinanden, og jeg tænkte i hvert fald “åh nej, hvad har vi rodet os ud i?!” – præcis ligesom første gang.

Allerede tirsdag løb mælken til, og siden da har hun været meget tilfreds. Præcis ligesom Valdemar, som græd en del de første to nætter, og på tredjedagen faldt fuldstændigt til ro. De første par dage var jeg ikke meget online, og forsøgte at øve mig i at sidde og kigge ud i luften under amningerne, og lige mærke, hvor jeg var. Noget jeg var meget dårlig til første gang, hvor jeg konstant havde min smartphone i hånden, stort set. Tirsdag sad jeg og græd lidt under en amning, ikke på grund af den berømte tudedag, men ganske enkelt af taknemmelighed og lettelse. Jeg tror jeg havde en lille samtale med Gud, og han sagde, at jeg har fået alt dette, fordi jeg gerne må nyde det. Der gik det op for mig at det er ok at være lykkelig, også for mig. Og alt andet er også ok. Da jeg blev mor første gang havde jeg nærmest dårlig samvittighed over, at alt var gået så nemt for mig, og jeg turde næsten ikke tillade mig selv at nyde det. Jeg ville hellere fokusere på andres ulykke eller på alt det, jeg ikke synes jeg kunne finde ud af. Men nu er jeg nået til et punkt i mit liv, hvor jeg er klar til at nyde alt det, jeg har fået. Og det er det jeg skal fokusere på nu, for det skal jeg simpelthen bare lære, hvis livet skal være til at holde ud.

Tirsdag aften forsøgte jeg at gå en tur ned til åen, første tur med barnevognen, men måtte hurtigt give op, da mit bækken opførte sig underligt, især ved det ene ben. Onsdag aften var jeg på legepladsen med Valde, og jeg kan huske, at jeg var stolt over at have sat mig ned i sandkassen (kanten er meget lav), men derefter havde jeg ingen idé om hvordan jeg skulle komme op igen, haha. Men det gik. Onsdag havde vi også besøg af både sundhedsplejersken og en jordemoder, som skulle lave høreprøve og hælblodprøve.

Valde, Far og Lillesøster

Torsdag havde vi det første besøg af Valdes oldeforældre, og det var faktisk meget hyggeligt at få lov til at vise baby frem. Om aftenen havde jeg mit første lille sammenbrud, fordi Valde var meget svær at putte. Vi havde aftalt at Lasse skulle prøve at putte ham, men efter halvanden times forsøg var det endnu ikke lykkes, men så snart jeg lagde mig ned hos ham, sov han hurtigt. Her ramte en velkendt følelse af frustration mig. Frustrationen over at være den eneste, ungerne vil have. Det er jo både en velsignelse og en forbandelse at være så eftertragtet, som man er som mor, for jo, jeg nyder det, men nogle gange har jeg også bare brug for, at en anden kan tage over. Og i det øjeblik følte jeg, at ingen kunne hjælpe mig med noget, især ikke min mand. Jeg må også indrømme at jeg i et øjeblik følte noget der lignede had til ham, hvilket jeg også genkender fra tidligere, og jeg skylder skylden på hormoner, i det jeg ved, det hurtigt går over igen. Jeg var sur over naturens orden og utilfreds med at være kvinde. Det er nok den der følelse af at miste min frihed, som ramte mig meget hårdt. Men det er jo en del af gamet, uanset hvordan man vender og drejer det, og det at miste frihed, kan i sidste ende vise sig at være befriende. Men mere om det en anden gang. Denne aften var jeg tæt på at falde ind i en gammel offerrolle, hvor alle skal sige “Nårh hvor er det synd for dig”. Men jeg har lært at tage ansvar for mit liv, og jeg ved, at det er mit ansvar for det første at finde ud af hvad jeg har behov for, og dernæst enten selv sørge for at jeg får de behov opfyldt, eller spørge andre om hjælp. Jeg kan simpelthen ikke forvente, at folk kan læse mine tanker, og at ting kommer flyvende. Hvis du vil have noget, så må du tage det. Den der “mor-har-ofret-alt”-attitude kommer man ikke langt med, og til sidst bliver parforholdet bare en kamp om, hvem der har det hårdest. Hvis jeg eksempelvis har brug for alenetid, så må jeg bede om det. Og det gør jeg. At lære at mærke sine egne behov er så super vigtigt, og noget jeg har måttet øve mig meget i, og heldigvis (med hjælp fra 12-trins-kurser) er blevet meget bedre til.

Fredag var vi på vores første lille udflugt til Nivå for at besøge olderne på campingpladsen. Det var meget hyggeligt, og gik nemt og smertefrit. Ved middagstid blev baby og jeg kørt hjem og sov hele eftermiddagen, mens Lasse og de andre legede og tog på stranden. Om aftenen var jeg virkelig træt i kroppen, men på den der gode måde, ligesom når man har leget en hel dag i solen, og så er det helt ok. Lørdag fik vi besøg af min mor og hendes mand, som lånte Valdemar og tog ham med på stranden. Jeg gad virkelig godt jeg kunne komme ud i havet og bade, men må vente lidt endnu.

Søndag aften havde Valdemar sit første sammenbrud – nok forårsaget af manglende middagslur. Om aftenen puttede vi ham begge og jeg lå og ammede lillesøster, og han sagde “flyt hende, baby skal over til far, jeg vil ligge der, jeg vil også have pat”, og han var meget ked af det. Jeg sagde “ok, så smag patten”, og så var det pludselig ikke så spændende mere. Han prøvede lige hurtigt at sutte, men kunne jo slet ikke huske hvordan man gjorde. Der var et kort øjeblik, hvor begge børn græd samtidigt, og jeg begyndte at tvivle på, om vi magtede opgaven.. Heldigvis var det meget nemmere i går aftes. Han har nok bare brug for ekstra tryghed, og derfor lader vi ham falde i søvn i vores seng og flytter ham så over i vores egen bagefter. Det er en ret naturlig reaktion, ifølge mange, og helt ærligt, jeg var heller ikke særligt glad for min lillesøster som barn, hun var da utroligt irriterende. Men i dag ville jeg selvfølgelig ikke undvære hende, og vi havde mange glæder af hinanden, men det er da et chok at få rystet hele sin verden på den måde.

Jeg har endnu ikke rigtigt oplevet den der berømte tudedag, men måske bare en anelse baby blues. Efter min første fødsel havde jeg sådan en underlig følelse indeni de første par dage. Især når jeg ammede, så følte jeg mig bare trist og sådan lidt opgivende, og kombineret med efterveer er det bare nederen. Første gang var jeg bange for at det betød, at jeg aldrig kom til at elske mit barn, men denne gang var jeg mere rolig, fordi jeg vidste, at tilknytning tager lidt tid for mig. Allerede nu efter en uge føler jeg mig stort set normal igen, både i kroppen og i hovedet (men ammehjernen skal nok komme). Det er kun hvis jeg sidder for meget ned, at jeg får ond i bækkenet, og den første lange gåtur har jeg endnu til gode. Valdemar er tilbage i dagplejen efter en uges ferie (dejligt efter to dage med middagslur-strejke), og vi skal så småt til at vænne os til vores nye hverdag, som først for alvor starter næste tirsdag, hvor Lassefar skal starte på arbejde (hurra for pinsen). Og jeg skal aflevere Valde hver dag! Oh, gru. Wish me luck!

Jeg glemte at nævne den obligatoriske identitetskrise, og den momentane panik over “hvad skal der blive af mig, og hvad med mine drømme”, men den tager vi en anden dag. Det her er min drøm. Alt andet må vente.

P.S. Jeg har ikke googlet siden sidste mandag!

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